Monday, September 11

An Existential Crisis


It crept up on me like the way summer turns to winter. Slowly overtime and then all of a sudden. Except it was more like a growing bacteria or fungi, something you wish wasn’t happening and often don’t even know that it is happening until it’s too late. Gradually, I began to feel lost. I was floating and not in a good way. I needed to be grounded. There were too many questions inside my head and everything lost meaning. Even myself. I began to question who I was, and why I didn’t even have an answer for that. I remember a time when I knew everything. I had a plan and a grasp on what I wanted and how to get there. But poof - it all disappeared.



They call it an existential Crisis. “They” being google, the God of the internet, he who knows all. But he didn’t know the answers to all my questions. I didn’t stay at home, moping around, trying to figure it all out ( at least I didn’t do a lot of that ). I carried on, staying my usual busy self. But I felt I wasn’t all there. It was as though I was drifting just above everyone else, in a different atmospheric level, seeing things through a fog. Just like in those movies where a person’s spirit floats out of their body and sees things from a different perspective.

I kept expecting to wake up and know the answers. My biggest question was what should I do. I’ve been making decisions, ones I didn’t want to make, without knowing what I wanted. But without knowing who I am, I can’t figure out what I want just yet. So I’ve been trapped in the place between being gone and being there.

This feeling has started to fade thankfully. By going back to the things I enjoyed, like reading and scrapbooking ( and trying to cut back on netflix ) I feel more like myself again. It seems that creativity has helped a lot. Yet there are still many unanswered questions; What am I doing? Where am I going? Why do we exist?

Today I attended the funeral of a classmate. Although I didn’t know him well, I’ve always held a high opinion of him. He was one of the first people I met in college and one that said hi and never ignored me. I thought he was kind and a rare gentleman for someone so young. From the sea of suits today at the church I know he was loved by many. It was heartbreaking to see the pain on the faces of his family, his friends and even the strangers to me who obviously knew him much better than I did. In his far too short life he had made such an impact on these people. It seams very unfair that his life could be just taken away like that.

But seeing how short our lives can be, really makes you think.

I figure that we exist to live. It really doesn’t matter that you don’t know where you’re going or that you don’t have all the answers. You’re alive and breathing. And in my opinion, it’s the people that make our lives mean so much more.

4 comments:

  1. I hope that you're feeling much better. It seems terrible when people who are lovely are somehow dragged out of our lives (though I'm nowhere qualified to speak on this).

    I also agree that we exist to live. We're supposed to do things on this earth. Being alive is something that we tend to take for granted at times.

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    1. Thanks Grace!! You're so sweet <3

      I'm glad you agree. I know I take so much for granted but reflection is very helpful in finding our way back again.

      I hope you've been keeping well! ^_^

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  2. Marian! This was a lovely piece. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. A girl who went to my school -- I didn't know her -- died recently, and so we too have been thinking about mortality, about the fact that youth doesn't make you invincible. But you're right; that makes it count more.

    I'm a Christian, so it's Jesus who gives my life meaning; without him I would certainly be floating, or rather sinking. I don't know if you've thought much about God or what life might mean if there were a god who is going to judge the world, but also offers escape from death through sacrificing his own son. But my inbox is always open if you wanna chat!

    I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Creativity -- and reading! -- definitely help! <3

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    1. EMILY!! You need to come back to the blogging world ( pot calling the kettle black here :L )
      Thank you, it's a strange and shocking thing to happen this young and I think makes everyone stop in their tracks of their busy lives for a moment.

      I respect that view so much and feel fascinated at such belief. It amazes me and I'm almost jealous that I can't simply believe without being so cynical.

      Thanks Em! <3 x

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